Peas, Love and Camelot

Such is life.  I haven’t written anything in a while.  In this short span of time my husband and I have reconciled, I’ve started anti-depressants (I have looong been a holdout in this area), and I’ve made some more positive changes in my life.  Things have gotten better all around.  Immense growth has happened here and there’s still a long way to go on both our parts, but I think we are on the right track. 

On the financial front things are not so rosy.  Lawyer bills, loans we took out and trying to re-finance our home has taken its toll on the bank accounts.  Now more than ever our mettle will be tested in the face of this very real, very debilitating type of stress.  So far we are holding our own. 

As a couple we are stronger.  As individuals we have grown a lot as well.  Very important.  As emotionally turbulent and stressful as the time apart really was, in the end it gave us both much needed perspective.  Onward!

Everyone is a genius. but if you judge a fish on it’s ability to climb a tree, it will live it’s whole life believing it’s stupid. - Einstein

I had a conversation with my ex I said I would never have.  Something had been bugging me the past few days to just do it.  So I did.  I told him that we would not be having one again, and did he want to spend it arguing over stupid stuff or dealing with important things between us, before we started what was to be months of court and before our marriage was over.  There were glimpses of the man I loved dearly.  I found myself feeling that same familiar shock at some of the things that were coming out of his mouth.  He wanted to argue points from what I called his “mind’s timeline.”  He always brought up conversations, things I could never remember or that just didn’t matter in the grander scheme of the end of our marriage, and I just found myself lost in that old familiar feeling of “Can’t you SEE me?”  He felt that because I’d not told him immediately about having some conversations with my ex husband that therefore I was untrustworthy in all other matters.  He kept insisting that I bought colored contact lenses.  I have no idea why he would insist on such a thing.  He kept saying “I SAW the packages in the bathroom!”  Well, um, you were mistaken because I have never worn colored contacts.  I wouldn’t.  It was troubling even more so to hear him recite, “There was brown, blue…”  I mean, what?  If there were colored contacts there, why would I bother to deny it?  But there were not, which freaked me out all the more that he insisted there were.  He argued his point as hard as he argued his points that I did nothing for the past four years, just sat around like a lump.  Apparently struggling to raise three kids in the midst of dealing with depression and a sinking marriage, seeking therapy to try to fix what was wrong with myself and my marriage was “nothing.”  I just can’t understand how I can love this man, still.  I feel like there is something so deeply wrong with me that if I don’t figure out why I allow myself to get caught up in relationships with people like this I will never be able to trust any man again.  I can’t see it.  I know I am worth more.  I guess I just chose wrong.  I waited for him to prove to me that I didn’t chose wrong.  That he would realize that he was being harshly unfair and unreasonable; that he would have some epiphany and fall to his knees and bare himself to me and show me that he really wasn’t some smug asshole looking for a pat on the back and that he could really meet me in a place of love and caring and be willing to stop being so hurtful. 

In stark contrast to the arguing over stupid shit and our expectations of each other, there was some real emotion.  There was a few moments where we cried and hugged each other.  I think there should have been more of that.  Maybe we shouldn’t have talked at all.  I look back now and wish we hadn’t.  That we’d just cried and hugged and really felt wht was going between us; the longing and the grief and the love that was still there.  It was excruciating. 

It shouldn’t be this hard.  I can tough my way through a lot of shit.  But having my husband tell me I did nothing during our marriage to earn everything he gave me, that I should get my hands out of his pockets (referring to rehabilitative alimony reqests and a van paymet he agreed to make on his own), well, what can I do?  That was the last thing he said to me in our exchange this morning.  “Prove to me you care about me.  Get your hands out of my pockets.” 

And there you go.

I’ve heard it said—from  lawyers and judges and therapists—that if there is any love left in a marriage at all, to fight for it, to not go through with divorce.  At all costs and whatever you have to do, if there is real love there, fight for it.  But I ask, when does the cost just become too much?

I really thought I was past the crying stage.  Apparently not.  Why the FUCK am I wasting tears on a man who clearly didn’t love me?  I am so pathetic.

Got the word that we are to go to court on the first of the issues in my divorce hearing this next week.  :-/  I’m just sick of this whole mess.  I am trying very hard to remain positive and hopeful that things will work out well.  I am still trying to proccess my anger at my ex that it even had to get this far.  Seems so stupid and such a waste.  Life is too short.

Quick, warm, yummy.  Everyone loves comfort food, and this certainly falls into that category.  I got this recipe off of the internet about 4 years ago, I think.  I was looking for new and different yet easy recipes.  You can use any kind of cracker you want.  I used some gluten-free crackers here, and did not crumble the crackers up very fine in this photo.   Saltines and Ritz are good choices as well.  I like to give them a light spray with some butter spray after placing them on top.  Play with it.  Have fun!  Soooooooper yum!

Prep Time:  10 mins

Cook Time:  45 mins

Ready In:  55 mins

INGREDIENTS

·     1 pound ground pork sausage

·     4 eggs, beaten

·     1 (15 ounce) can cream-style corn

·     1 cup soft bread crumbs (I prefer to use the Italian seasoned Vigo bread crumbs)

·     1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper

·     1/3 cup cracker crumbs

·     2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

DIRECTIONS

1.  Place sausage in a large, deep skillet. Cook over medium high heat until evenly brown. Drain, crumble and set aside. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).

2.  In a large bowl, stir together sausage, eggs, corn, bread crumbs and black pepper. Spoon mixture into a lightly greased 8x8 inch baking dish. Sprinkle casserole with cracker crumbs.

3.  Bake in preheated oven for 45 minutes. Sprinkle with parsley and serve.

:-/  I read an article today about a “handmade” wedding, where everything was made by hand by etsy crafters.  The photos and accompanying story were beautiful.  I could feel my eyes welling and my heart starting to ache.  I thought of my own wedding.  God how I loved that man.  Even though I’d had doubts I loved him.  I still do.  You don’t just take vows like that and flip a switch and you’re done.  Well, unless you’re my ex.  He used to say all the time that when he had to make emotional decisions he flipped a switch and he was done.  I think that was 90% of his problem right there.  “I’ve now placed you into the ‘Ex-Wife’ category in my mind,” he told me days after we separated.  Always did try to handle his personal relationships like a business.  Everything in its place.  Inbox.  Outbox.  Trash Folder.  Ex-Wife Folder.  Nice.

Anyway, I hate that it still makes me so emotional.  I want to be happy for couples so obviously in love.  Gah, it just sucks how all that love and hope can be twisted and lost and eventually turn into something ugly.  Case in point, my own marriage.  I am completely done with marriage, but my heart still aches.  It just sucks.   I’d hoped for so much.  :-(

I thought I’d licked that headache I woke up with this morning, then my eyes start welling up and here it is again, that damned headache.  Makes me want to punch my ex in the face.  Stupid weddings.  Stupid jerky men.  Hmph.